August in October

"We are like the wings of angels, bound together with the love of God."  Michael Bristol

A little wind named August blew into our house this last weekend.  She had grand expectations of going to a pumpkin patch as her sister did while staying with us.  Trying to reason with a 5 year old about how each child’s visit would be different and all the “other” things we had planned didn’t work out as I had hoped.  She had her sights set on that pumpkin patch.  If I had felt better (was a little under the weather), I probably would have given in and taken her, but a movie and “other” things were more manageable.  She was none too happy about it, but it is not all bad, as that is how little ones learn to deal with disappointment and life in general, preparing them for bigger and harder life experiences.  I tried to reason with her a bit, and after a few hours grew tired of the debate and told her we would have to have a talk with her mother if she didn’t drop it.  That worked, but in talking with a mentor about it, I realized that I should’ve better acknowledged her feelings of disappointment and sadness.  Then I should have expressed compassion for them before putting the brakes on the conversation.  It is so important that we express our feelings and have someone safe to acknowledge and show compassion for how we feel.

I don’t know if I am just being a proud grandmother, but it seems to me that this child is pretty darn smart.  I watched her craft some pictures with crayons and scissors and take some scrap lace and make angels with it.  She had a big angel and a little angel.  She called the little angel “little girl” and when she remembered she had forgotten “little girl” on the way home, she sternly instructed me where to find her and to put her up so that her sister couldn’t get a hold of her.  Little girl needed the big angel to watch after her.  So I went home and made a surrogate angel to look after her and until August comes back to Grandma’s.  She also created “puchin” (her spelling) pictures that now grace the walls of my cubby at work and paper ghosts that she hung on my potted plants outside.  Too adorable.

I often feel like “little girl”, even though I have many years of life under my belt.  Insecurity, abandonment, lost, fearful, hurt, and overlooked are all feelings that are quite often found peeking around the mask of autonomy I hide behind.  I want to be loved.  I want to belong.  I want acceptance.   But human love is limited.  Our love is conditional, exhaustible, and often disappointing. 

Good news… there is a source available to us that provides for our every need.  That source is God, the creator of all and the author and perfecter of our faith.  God’s love is boundless and unconditional.  We can shed our masks and go to Him with our burdens, as He is a not a dictator who sits on a throne and condemns, he loves and shows mercy and compassion.  He counts every hair on our heads and collects every tear that falls from our eyes.  He is our source of love and provides for all our needs, physical and emotional.  All we have to do is accept Jesus Christ as our savior and believe.  And, because of what Jesus did for me on the cross, I know that when it is all over, when I leave this life and step into the next, He will wrap his arms around me, wipe away all my tears, and welcome little girl home.

“Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:2